Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman
G-d took the devil to court to settle their differences once and for all. The devil said: and where do you think youre gonna find a lawyer lol
two tigers were walking in single file. One tiger licked the others ass. The other tig got mad and said what are u doing. The tiger explained: I just ate a lawyer and im trying to get rid of the bad taste!
Q. What do you do if you run over a lawyer?  A. Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel. 
Q. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A. Depends on how thin you slice them. 
Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A. Professional courtesy. 
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A. Shoot him before he hits the water. 
Q. Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? A. No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. 
Q. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? A. When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore. 
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A. A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. 
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?  A. A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance. 
Q. What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? A. Respect. 
Q. What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? A. They're all slime. 
Q. Why did the lawyer cross the road? A. To get to the car accident on the other side. 
Q. Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard? A. So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability. 
Q. What's the difference between a baseball player and a lawyer? A. In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. 
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A. The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.  A2. Vultures can't take their wing tips off. 
Q. How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?  A. Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. 
Q. How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?  A. How many can you afford? 
Q. What do you call an honest lawyer? A. An impossibility. 
Q. What is black and white and looks good on a Lawyer? A. Tar and Feathers
Q. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?  A. Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit. 
Q. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A. He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. 
Q. Why didn't the doctor pay the rent on his outhouse? A. He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs. 
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A. One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water. 
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. 
Q. What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? A. He was disbarred. 
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. 
Q. Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many toxic waste dumps? A. New Jersey got to pick first. 
Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?  A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox. 
Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. 
What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? 	One's a scum-sucking scavenger and the other is just a fish.
What's a lawyers expression for Fuck You! ?	Trust me.
What do you call a gay lawyer?	Legal Aids.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?	Your Honor!
How many lawyer jokes are there?	Three, the rest are true stories.
Attorney:  Why are you calling me a lousy lawyer?	Defendant:  The court swears me to tell the truth, but every time I start to, you jump up and object.
Attorney:  This is a complicated case, be a little more pessimistic.	Defendant:  Yes and its in the hands of 12 people who couldn't figure out how to get out of jury duty!
What should you do for a drowning lawyer?	Throw him a rock.